Category — LifestyleChanges

Many times in our lives, occasion to be conflicted arise. I am experiencing one of those occasions, because of some of the methods proposed to be used in the push in America to reform our school system. Test scores have shown that many of our students are failing or barely holding on, and will be unable to compete with others in the global marketplace. Many young people have given up and settled for or given in to lives of idleness, dependence on government handouts, and/or criminal activity.

Students from every ethnic group are included, but my observation is focused on low income youth, particularly black or African-American. Being black myself draws my attention, but my concern is for all children, and how to address this problem is where my conflict lies.

Education reform extends all the way to the White House with President Obama being actively involved. Along with government, many very wealthy individuals, like Bill Gates, are contributing millions of dollars. Unfortunately, with all the funds being made available, many objectionable concepts of how to provide a “quality” education for our students is being tried and promoted, especially the idea of exclusionary charter schools.

Charter schools are not a new idea, having been used by many different organizations, such as religious groups, to promote their ideology as well as educate their members. This scary culturally controlled character seems to be what is also being offered presently by private organizations in order to obtain and maintain funding.

To insure that their students display the highest achievements, certain kids with disabilities, including learning, are being excluded and expelled by some charter schools. There are also schools which intend to segregate poor, black children from other children in order to change their “culture,” meaning their ways of wearing certain hair styles and clothing, for example. These types of selective schools are the ones which are causing me the most concern and conflict.

Since the civil rights movement in the 60s, we as a nation have fought, and some have died, to allow children of all ethnicities to attend school together in an integrated environment. Yet we know that even under the best circumstances racism still flourishes. Also, rampant bullying by all groups has recently flared which has caused the suicidal death of a number of children.

These conditions of separating children by ethnicity, social status, and physical or mental ability, which will set them apart from their peers, can only cause a backlash. Low self-esteem, further acting out, withdrawal, mistrust, anger, and possibly violence, both on the part of those students displaced and seemingly rejected, as well as the development of superior attitudes by those who are allowed to attend other schools can and will result.

My conflict is in wanting a “quality” education for black children, and disabled children, but not at the expense of their cultural identity, acceptance or sense of belonging. None of us wants to feel set apart. Regardless of our differences and/or abilities, we all want the to be loved and respected for our humanity, for the life that flows through us. How can taking children back to a way which we found wrong and wanting in the past be thought to be beneficial in the present? And how will the experience of separation and rejection affect these children in the future?

Since the beginning of man‘s history, humans have struggled with division and control of one group over the other. It has always ended in tragedy, and will continue to do so. Therefore, to solve a conflict, the decision must be made for the greater good, and not the most money.

To expect a different outcome from repeating a misjudgment is insane. So, now that the occasion to change direction in educating children has presented itself, there should be no conflict of how to guarantee that all our children get the best chance at a “quality” education. I believe that open enrollment in charter schools is a viable solution, as long as we alter our ways of doing and thinking, because going back is not a forward move.

Much talk is going on about the building of Muslim mosques in various places in the United States. Since the arrival of the founding fathers, the U.S. has been and is predominately a Christian nation politely sharing its religious expression with Judaism. But the possible expansion of Islam and the building of mosques are controversial concepts disturbing to many people.

I stand in a rather unusual position as I do not belong to any organized religion, although I do believe in the existence of God or a power higher than man. I have no stake in the support or advancement of any one’s belief system other than my own as I respect everyone’s right to believe or worship in their own way. Nor am I disturbed about the religious aspects of the various religions, rather it is the cultural behaviors which accompany them that has and does concern me.

For many years, as a student of the sociology and psychology of my fellow humans, and as a black person and descendant of slaves in this country, I have been aware of the responsibility and activities that members of the white Judea/Christian family had and expressed toward my ancestors. Unfortunately, many of those attitudes still exists today in many circles in this country as well as prejudice and racism toward other groups because of race, sexual preference, religion, weight, financial status, etc., etc.

However, in all fairness, there is also much discrimination by Christian blacks against other blacks and minorities, based on their status, as well as animosity toward whites, regardless of whether they are also Christian. So the point I am making is that it is human nature and not professing to belong to a particular sect or group that does or does not prevent or restrain one human being from disrespecting, abusing or misusing another.

There are broad differences in lifestyles and attitudes of many Muslim groups, particularly compared to Jews and Christians. But like Christians, Jews and other religions, there are many peaceful, loving members. Nevertheless, there also exist in all of them very dangerous extremists groups who perpetrate cruel and usual disciplines on their devotees, for example, Jim Jones and the Ayatollah Khomeini.

In the U.S., because of our societal diversity, we have battled long and hard to put laws in place which pretty much separate church and state while guaranteeing personal liberty to worship as one chooses. Those laws will be required to protect the rights of Muslims as well. But will the activities condoned by many Muslims as part of their religious expression, but found objectionable by our legal system, be carried out in the church without direct interference? How will Islam’s traditional observances fit into the mainstream of American life without putting demands on the general population to accommodate Muslim rituals?

When the two cultures collide, the expansion of mosques and Islam will take a great deal of understanding, tolerance, acceptance, compassion and negotiation. I suggest we begin to adjust our thinking now before the first foundation is laid.

My neighbor and I met in the hallway of our apartment building and exchanged hellos. He has been having some serious health issues and so have I. During our brief interlude, we laughed at how we have simply just gotten old. We have to admit it, and were amused with how we now realize why old people always seem so short tempered and in such a hurry. They, or we now, don’t have the time to dilly-dally and procrastination is a waste of time.

We also touched on how limited we are in having someone to depend on and concluded that sadly, God is the only one. Everyone else is trying to keep it together just as we are.

I admit it was very disheartening to wake up one day and discover I was old. Oh, I’m not crying in my tomato soup, I still have an active life. But, as my health issues increase and my energy decreases, I have to face the fact that I am no longer in my 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s, and quickly slipping away from my 60s. (I will be 68 in January.) What to do; what to do!!

I find it interesting that although I know how old I am when I look in the mirror, and by the way my body feels when I struggle with things I’ve been used to doing very easily, my mind only feels full to overflowing; not old. I just know that I know a lot about a lot. There aren’t too many subjects, except those extreme intellectual ones like quantum physics and such that I either have experienced, know someone who has, or heard or read about. This mass of knowledge gives me great pleasure, especially when I get to share it.

I guess the bottom line is that getting older ain’t that bad. In fact, I accept it as my reward for all the tears, confusion, and do-over’s I’ve had to endure. I love my gray hair and wish it were gold, because I’ve entered the “golden time of day” and find it’s not too bad. I dedicate the attached video to all those golden oldies like me and all those who look forward to becoming one.

Frankie Beverly and Maze \"The Golden Time of Day\"

Periodically we should take time to look at ourselves. It is good if this introspection takes place before our baser nature or beast is discovered by the world outside, as observed lately in so many celebrities, sports figures, politicians, preachers, and business men. Long before the world knows about our brokenness there are signs that we recognize, but refuse to consider. 

I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience; and in that humanity is located the lustful desires of the flesh. Be it drugs, alcohol, money, pornography, shopping, bullying, sex, food, gambling, lying, cheating, stealing…whatever; these kinds of things when out of control can take us down to less than decent, honest, kind, faithful and true human beings. We can become animalistic and dangerous to ourselves and others. We release the beast. 

The release of the beast can occur in the life of anyone: man, woman or child. All it takes is to slacken our sense of right and wrong and allow our self-control to become suppressed. Instead, we enjoy the power and allow the reward of our actions to go far beyond our thoughts of the costs or consequences. It is a sort of madness that takes over our normally contained character, and we think that “what’s done in the dark” will remain there, but it seldom does. 

In our perverted state, unless there is mental illness or injury involved, our conscience or spirit should kick in and signal an overload; tell us that we’ve gone too far. Tragically for some, suicide becomes a relief; for others, delving deeper until others notice initiates remedy. It is best if we can see ourselves for what we have become and seek help or put ourselves in check. This is the most effective and most lasting. 

Everyone has their personal beast or brokenness they must battle everyday. Billions of dollars go into drugs, therapy and ways of coping with, containing and restraining it. But if we view our beast from the perspective that it is a part of our nature, part of this human experience that we must not allow to overtake our minds, hearts and bodies, but learn to control within the confines of our physical nature, we can “be healed, be delivered, and be set free.” But too often, “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Recently, I have added quite a few comments to a series of news articles in the Sacramento Bee regarding the death of a 4-year old girl in foster care here in Sacramento, CA. My purpose was two-fold. One was to add to the discussion about the dysfunction of Child Protective Services (CPS) and ask for some reform in the way they take care of children. The other was to show dysfunctional parents in child abuse that they can take responsibility for the return of their children.

 The mention of child abuse is enough to curdle your blood. But, I was a parent who loved her children and got caught up in a terrible life experience. I fought to retain my kids and I believe there can and should be some objectivity given. We are all broken in some way, and judgment without full knowledge of the situation does not lend itself to equity.

If we are to realistically know that “there but for the grace of God go I,” we can realize that life can change without notice, and we could be the one on the other side of the table. I write about my personal experiences in my autobiography, By Hope Alone: The making of a parent; The story of a mother’s journey through life, love and a child-abuse case.

If dysfunctional parents want to recover their children, they should be given that chance, along with assistance and support to do so. But so many parents do not know that they have legal and moral rights to parent their children when they get involved with CPS. In most cases the relinquishment of their parental rights occurs.

 The lack of equity can cause many parents to fail to regain their children. The public demands that CPS and parents involved in a child-abuse case make many changes before they can be trusted with the care of children. But accepting that CPS and parents are not demon forces but human beings created to make changes is often the biggest step toward finding the equity for which the situation calls.

From September, 1988 to May, 1991, I was involved in a civil child abuse case. I was never arrested, nor were my children proven to be other than “endangered” by me because I believed in spanking, but they were placed in shelter for the majority of that time nonetheless. I present the full details in my book, By Hope Alone: The Making of a Parent; The story of a mother’s journey through life, love and a child-abuse case, so I won’t relate it too closely here. The purpose of this writing is to give you some idea of the changes my life has taken since that experience.

When I wrote the book, I was trying to figure out how I had gotten to that place…a child-abuse case. I grew up in a loving home, with both parents who were married nearly 50 years. My father was never abusive, verbally or physically to my mother, me or my siblings. There was no drug or alcohol use or abuse, and I was well taken care of.

We went to church every Sunday. I attended private school until high school. And although we were poor, I never realized our poverty until I look back now. I had loving grandparents, aunts, cousins, friends and neighbors for the most part. But what happened? Where did my life take the wrong road that led to a child-abuse case?

We read in the scriptures of the Bible the parable about the foundation on which we build our house; whether it is sand or rock. Without a firm foundation the house will not stand in a storm. The fairytale of the three little pigs is about change, adaptation and triumph. One pig had a house of sticks and one straw, which the wolf was able to blow down. But when they all escaped to the brother’s brick house, the wolf’s hot air had no effect.

Those two stories illustrate my premise for this writing. To my dismay, as I sat down to write my book, I discovered how my life had been built on a foundation of sand in a house of straw. The life my parents gave me, with all its protection and secrets failed to provide me with the tools I needed to survive in the “real” world…the world I was destined to enter and brave after they encouraged me to marry someone not for love but for security’s sake.

The marriage I was too young and totally unprepared for turned out to be unlike my parents’ idyllic portrayal of wedded bliss. Mine set in motion changes which affect me until today; changes which led me completely astray from what once was my innocence. I went from being my parents’ child, to starting out as a dutiful wife, but a tremendous heartbreak of infidelity by my husband led me to a near breakdown of my moral code which ended in another dysfunctional relationship, two additional children and a child-abuse case.

Sitting in the courtroom during the “trial,” I cried out and the desperation in my heart was heard. A voice whispered, “Pay attention,” and from that response to my prayer, everything was transformed. I made a conscious decision to change, to build my life on a firm foundation out of the bricks of self control, introspection and most of all the love I needed to restore my family and become someone I am proud to be now. Change can happen. I’m a living witness and an avid advocate for it.

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