Category — DysfunctionalParents

For seven years after the child-abuse case I had been involve in was closed and my children restored to me, I worked with parents involved in child abuse. As an advocate who believed Child Protective Services (CPS) removes an excessive number of children from their homes, including mine, struggling with other parents charged with child abuse was the most discouraging. I soon realized why parents were generally ignored during the processing of their situations or their parental rights were removed entirely.

Even my own co-parent became a problem in my effort to reunite our family. He continued to declare that “no one can tell me how to raise my children,” although our children were removed from school without our knowledge and put in out-of-home placement. After our cases were separated, I was able to move more smoothly and quickly through the system.

The day after my children were restored to me, I launched a child-abuse prevention program called “American Family Alliance.” It was a not-for-profit, boot-strap collection of volunteers funded entirely by our welfare, retirement and disability checks. When we began, we were full of great intentions and willingness, but had no idea of the challenges which lay ahead, nor of the struggles we would encounter with CPS and the parents.

The first adventure into our outreach efforts was a questionnaire we handed out at a church picnic. My associate and I had very carefully chosen the wording for what we thought would fit the educational level of our target clientele. To our dismay, when we retrieved the questionnaires, the forms were all blank. We found out that none of the people could read or they had very limited ability! The lesson we learned that day was very important and our expectations were colored by our being more sensitive to the status of most of the people with which we would be working.

I am not implying that all parents involved in child abuse are illiterate. To the contrary, there is no profile to which “child abusers” can be limited. Those who are determined to be inappropriate or dysfunctional regarding the care of their children fall into every social status. But because we chose to work primarily with parents who were determined by CPS as members of the “Underclass,” or those on the lowest social rung, our experiences were colored by that designation.

Nevertheless, in our work we found that the greatest stumbling block to achieving our goals of helping parents recover their children was in the parents’ attitudes. They were either very scared and submissive, and not willing to confront “the system;” or belligerent and stubborn. The latter were not open to any change which would facilitate restoration of their parenting privileges and the release of their children from foster care.

Many parents simply gave up under the weight of CPS because of its ability to use the courts, police, media and other elements of authority and influence to seek out and destroy their resolve to recover their children. This was true particularly of parents who are not aware of their rights. Unfortunately, those parents would often hinder their efforts, as well as ours, by standing in their own way.

For seven years after my child-abuse case was closed and my children restored to me, I worked with parents involved in child abuse. Although I believe Child Protective Services (CPS) removes an excessive number of children from their homes, struggling with the parents was the most discouraging. I soon realized why parents were generally ignored during their child-abuse cases or removed entirely. Even my own co-parent became a problem in my effort to reunite our family, as I detail in my book, By Hope Alone: The making of a parent.

The day after my children were restored to me, I started a child-abuse prevention program called “American Family Alliance.” It was a not-for-profit, boot-strap collection of volunteers funded entirely by our welfare, retirement and disability checks. When we began, we were full of great intentions and willingness, but had no idea of the challenges which lay ahead.

The first adventure into our outreach efforts was a questionnaire we handed out at a church picnic. My associate and I had very carefully chosen the wording for what we thought would fit the educational level of our target clientele. To our dismay, when we retrieved the questionnaires, the forms were all blank. We found out that none of the people could read or they had very limited ability! The lesson we learned that day was very important and our expectations were colored by our being more sensitive to the status of most of the people with which we would be working.

I am not implying that all parents involved in child abuse are illiterate. To the contrary, there is no profile to which “child abusers” can be limited. Those who are determined to be inappropriate or dysfunctional regarding the care of their children fall in every category. But because we chose to work primarily with parents who were determined by CPS as members of the “Underclass,” our experience was colored by that designation.

Nevertheless, in our work, we found that the greatest stumbling block to achieving our goals of helping parents recover their children was in the parents’ attitudes. They were either very scared and submissive, not willing to confront “the system;” or belligerent and stubborn, not open to any change which would facilitate restoration of their parenting privileges and the release of their children from foster care.

Many parents simply gave up under the weight of CPS, who is able to use the courts, police, media and other elements of authority and influence to seek out and destroy the resolve of most parents, particularly those who are not aware of their rights. Parents we were trying to help would often be the source of hindering their own efforts.

The term “dysfunctional” means “a temporary or permanent state in which a person is unable to be in balance or carry on a healthy daily life due to the lack or absence of five contributing factors: financial, mental, emotional, physical and social.” I would also add spiritual as a sixth contributing factor as it pertains to values of compassion, morals, character, and trust; all the things which makes us “human.”

When many people consider parents involved in child abuse, their primary thought concerns the financial state or poverty as abuse rather than their being “dysfunctional” as the cause.

For example, a poor mother who feeds her children beans and rice may not be abusing the child; but taking care of it to the best of her ability. When she compensates by buying items like Michael Jordan’s sneakers, this makes the child happy. She has balanced her financial factor by increasing her emotional one.

Drugs and alcohol are not primary factors that cause dysfunction, but are often the most visible indicators. Their presence may negatively affect the mental, emotional and physical factors the most. Drug abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, ill health, and disability can be positively affected or eliminated through therapeutic methods.

The need for increase in the social factor is often crucial for parents who need respite, and community and family support to help alleviate the stress of parenting. Unless there is proven physical or sexual abuse, removal of the child is not always the best action taken. The parents’ education and all other factors should also be considered.  

This brings us to spirituality and what I believe is a major factor. Without some direction involving compassion and love, children are removed from their homes and the family becomes a faceless “case.” Child Protective Services (CPS) is now turning out 18-year olds from foster care who are lost, alone and anxious. It is sad and dangerous. Many go from foster care to prison. Perhaps an intervention and correction of their family’s dysfunction could have changed their course, but we won’t know until it happens.

Recently, I have added quite a few comments to a series of news articles in the Sacramento Bee regarding the death of a 4-year old girl in foster care here in Sacramento, CA. My purpose was two-fold. One was to add to the discussion about the dysfunction of Child Protective Services (CPS) and ask for some reform in the way they take care of children. The other was to show dysfunctional parents in child abuse that they can take responsibility for the return of their children.

 The mention of child abuse is enough to curdle your blood. But, I was a parent who loved her children and got caught up in a terrible life experience. I fought to retain my kids and I believe there can and should be some objectivity given. We are all broken in some way, and judgment without full knowledge of the situation does not lend itself to equity.

If we are to realistically know that “there but for the grace of God go I,” we can realize that life can change without notice, and we could be the one on the other side of the table. I write about my personal experiences in my autobiography, By Hope Alone: The making of a parent; The story of a mother’s journey through life, love and a child-abuse case.

If dysfunctional parents want to recover their children, they should be given that chance, along with assistance and support to do so. But so many parents do not know that they have legal and moral rights to parent their children when they get involved with CPS. In most cases the relinquishment of their parental rights occurs.

 The lack of equity can cause many parents to fail to regain their children. The public demands that CPS and parents involved in a child-abuse case make many changes before they can be trusted with the care of children. But accepting that CPS and parents are not demon forces but human beings created to make changes is often the biggest step toward finding the equity for which the situation calls.